today is my twenty third birthday...and its weird because anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my birthday, how I count down to it every year, and how it always turns into this whole big extravaganza (well at least in my head)...no thats not the weird part...the weird part is that last night as I was trying to fall asleep (at like 12:15 AM) I could not stop crying...and it wasn't my normal birthday sadness that I feel (because as soon as it comes I know it will be over and gone)
i think my feeling of being such a failure has really intensified recently and its become unbearable...mostly because everyone keeps telling me how unhappy i am and how unhappy that makes them....and then i'm sitting there like, oh, i'm unhappy? and now suddenly my unknown unhappiness is ruining the lives of everyone i love....and that is pretty fucked up..and that just makes me want to disappear and then maybe they could all be happy again....but i have no where to go and so now i just feel trapped...its pretty shitty.
so basically this birthday is not so great....if anything i feel that it has given everyone the authority to be my therapist, and every conversation is a fucking session. no one even talks to me about normal things anymore....every conversation is about making myself better, and all of my issues, and all of the things that i do that i shouldnt do...and all of the things that i don't do that i should....and its actually just extremely painful....not to mention that everyone is doing this "because they love me"....well guess what, maybe you should all get together and discuss your approach, because you have bombarded me, and made me feel terrible and helpless, and useless...and obviously that was not anyones intention...but that is how it is.
i'm sorry that i can't find a job, and i'm sorry that i'm stubborn when it comes to looking, but its frustrating, especially when you wanted me to find a job, and i did...and then a few months later its not good enough....when will anything be good enough? because from the way i see it, nothing i have ever done has been sufficient..did anyone care at all when the district manager sought me out and offered me a really great opportunity? no...not really...and no offense....but this family is extremely hard to please....i could bend over backwards trying to make you people happy....and no one would seem to notice. instead you opt to be critical...and call me vain, or call me fat, or call me lazy....and no one is denying that i am any of these things...but how much can a person take of consistently hearing all of the negative things that they are? when does anyone ever say anything positive to me? i dont even know what i am getting at here....but then again, do my random outburts ever serve any purpose other than maintaining the minuscule amount of sanity i have left? nope...
hopefully twenty-three will bring better days, and a brighter future...i understand that it is really up to me to make things happen for myself...but maybe this year, things will fall into place a little better....because i really always have been a strong believer in things happening for a reason...which means one day this will all make sense..
happy march 3, 2009 (03.03.2009) to everyone.....apparently it's "square root day" how exciting!
oh...and in honor of the anniversary of my birth (i'm sure!) a PINK dolphin was found being all cute and pink! i need that dolphin because it was surely made for me!
i think my feeling of being such a failure has really intensified recently and its become unbearable...mostly because everyone keeps telling me how unhappy i am and how unhappy that makes them....and then i'm sitting there like, oh, i'm unhappy? and now suddenly my unknown unhappiness is ruining the lives of everyone i love....and that is pretty fucked up..and that just makes me want to disappear and then maybe they could all be happy again....but i have no where to go and so now i just feel trapped...its pretty shitty.
so basically this birthday is not so great....if anything i feel that it has given everyone the authority to be my therapist, and every conversation is a fucking session. no one even talks to me about normal things anymore....every conversation is about making myself better, and all of my issues, and all of the things that i do that i shouldnt do...and all of the things that i don't do that i should....and its actually just extremely painful....not to mention that everyone is doing this "because they love me"....well guess what, maybe you should all get together and discuss your approach, because you have bombarded me, and made me feel terrible and helpless, and useless...and obviously that was not anyones intention...but that is how it is.
i'm sorry that i can't find a job, and i'm sorry that i'm stubborn when it comes to looking, but its frustrating, especially when you wanted me to find a job, and i did...and then a few months later its not good enough....when will anything be good enough? because from the way i see it, nothing i have ever done has been sufficient..did anyone care at all when the district manager sought me out and offered me a really great opportunity? no...not really...and no offense....but this family is extremely hard to please....i could bend over backwards trying to make you people happy....and no one would seem to notice. instead you opt to be critical...and call me vain, or call me fat, or call me lazy....and no one is denying that i am any of these things...but how much can a person take of consistently hearing all of the negative things that they are? when does anyone ever say anything positive to me? i dont even know what i am getting at here....but then again, do my random outburts ever serve any purpose other than maintaining the minuscule amount of sanity i have left? nope...
hopefully twenty-three will bring better days, and a brighter future...i understand that it is really up to me to make things happen for myself...but maybe this year, things will fall into place a little better....because i really always have been a strong believer in things happening for a reason...which means one day this will all make sense..
happy march 3, 2009 (03.03.2009) to everyone.....apparently it's "square root day" how exciting!
oh...and in honor of the anniversary of my birth (i'm sure!) a PINK dolphin was found being all cute and pink! i need that dolphin because it was surely made for me!
happy birthday!!
and p.s. don't misunderstand me at all...i love everyone very much and really appreciate the concern....but it feels as though i am being a bit ganged up on and its rather overwhelming and a bit unbearable...thats all
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu
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